the blog quebecois

Linux Developer Gets Laid

Philadelphia, PA - In news that is sure to excite the Linux community, long time Linux developer Todd Stanton got laid.

"I still have trouble believing it myself," said Todd. "I was doing some coding when my power supply blew. Instead of pulling out the spare like I usually would, I decided to head down to Best Buy to check out the new DVD releases. Nothing new was out, so I bought another copy of 'The Matrix' since the one I had was pretty worn out. Turns out the checkout girl was a Matrix fan too and well one thing led to another."

Word spread rapidly on message boards and on IRC. "It's pretty irresponsible of him and shows his lack of dedication to Linux and the open source movement," said Fred Simpson. "If others try to emulate this behavior then a lot of projects could get derailed."

Others like Gary Wilcox were glad to hear the news, "We're tired of all those Microsoft developers shoving their Win-Ho's in our face. Now we can tell them about Todd. Who's laughing now?"

Some developers are also excited that this may increase their chances of getting lucky, but most are being realistic. Walker Crandall said, "We thought we'd all be doing the hokey-pokey after Bill Fitzsimmons got some during the LinuxWorld Conference in 1999. We were fooling ourselves. Nobody got nothing."

This is the third such occurrence for Linux developers since 1991.

From a funny site, BBSpot.

A lot of techie humor but you don't have to be a Webhead to get it.

Incidentally, techie humor writers get laid even less than Linux developers.

Via CNN:

WOODLAWN, Maryland (AP) -- A brawl broke out during an anger management assembly at a suburban high school.

Two people were arrested and 11 students were suspended after a shoving match escalated into a melee during Thursday's assembly.

Authorities said a confrontation between a student's mother and a group of girls who had been bothering her daughter turned into a shouting match, and led to pushing and hitting, before the crowd of 750 students erupted into "chaos," said C. Anthony Thompson, principal of Woodlawn High School.

The melee began as students on stage acted out peaceful ways to resolve conflict during the assembly was organized by Sheppard Pratt Health System.

Without further comment, the Trojan Sexual Organ.

The Junos are on tonight. These are Canada's version of the Grammy Awards, and I care about them every bit as much, which is to say not at all.

However, this gives me the annual occasion to boast that Canada leads the world in the production of horse-faced female vocalists.

Celine Dion. Alanis Morissette. Avril Lavigne. Anne Murray. Diana Krall. Sarah McLachlan. Not to forget . . . Joni Mitchell.

Read 'em and weep, boys, read 'em and weep.

Mass cull ordered to halt bird flu in B.C.

CTV.ca News Staff

Up to 19 million chickens and turkeys in B.C.'s Fraser Valley are going to be culled in a bid to stamp out the continuing spread of avian flu, Agriculture Minister Bob Speller has announced.

Good. I hate chickens.

They sort of taste like . . .

Chicken.

Busy busy busy. Here's a couple of links for ya.

Just think of the wonderful flexibility you'd have if you didn't have flesh.

I used to have one of these, but I stepped on it one night, and it was no more.

Aiiieee! My eyes!

Via Spoons

Everybody got a room
Everybody got a room
Everybody got a room
In god’s hotel

-- Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

For some reason this

reminded me of Kevin Spacey's apartment in the movie Seven (1996, also starring Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman).

Actually the apartment was gloomy, strewn with junk, crime-scene photos and thousands of notebooks.

Nevertheless, if I were a religiously-obsessed serial killer, I would much prefer the above. It clearly says "insane," but says it with a smile.

It's one of 40 or so theme rooms at the improbably named Propeller Island City Lodge in Berlin, Germany. Some of them are gorgeous, and the prices are quite reasonable -- 65 to 180 Euros a night for one person. You can check them out here.

The object of this game is to drive the little van off the road, whereupon it explodes. At least I hope that that's the object, because I'm getting pretty good at it.

As much as it pains me to relate it:

The CBC tonight came off more fairly regarding Condi Rice's testimony before the Congress than CTV. Or Comedy Central.

Impressionistic because I don't feel like linking to transcripts that don't exist or are too much trouble to track down.

CBC: There were memos, but they were impossibly vague.

CTV: There were memos.

Comedy Central: Jon Stewart.

From the american street:
(trackback busted)

The Vacation President by Susan Madrak

Vacation, all I ever wanted
Vacation, had to get away
Vacation, meant to be spent alone
"Vacation," GoGos

He's away again. He's away a lot, and always when something challenging is happening - say, when the country we invaded is sort of falling apart. His people insist it's always a "working vacation," but still. Could he be a little less insensitive to the rest of us? I mean, I haven't had a real vacation in five years.

"But Suze, you've been unemployed for at last half of the last three years. Isn't that a vacation? What do you need a vacation from?" asked one of my friends in a rather snippy voice. (She's an Aries, and thinks a vacation is a sign of weakness.)

In boxing terms, this is I believe described as "leading with your chin."

sharp darts spitting masters
spitting darts faster
shut up I'm the driver, you're the passenger

-- the streets

What better way to spend a lazy Saturday afternoon than wandering down to the local pub to play darts?

Of course, you'll want to quaff a few beers while doing that.

But beware, Dartman! Too much beer can lead to, er, erratic micturition.

From a link which seems to have expired:

A huge asteroid is hurtling towards the Earth, threatening to wipe out entire cities.

So whatdo you do? You could try saying your last goodbyes to loved ones or you could log on to the internet to find out whether your number really is up.

I plugged in a 200 meter-wide, iron asteroid colliding with the Earth.

You can judge the impact here, a (I presume accurate) simulation from the University of Arizona.

Distance from Impact: 100.00 km = 62.10 miles
Projectile Diameter: 200.00 m = 656.00 ft = 0.12 miles
Projectile Density: 8000 kg/m3 Impact Velocity: 32.20 km/s = 20.00 miles/s

Impact Angle: 90 degrees

Target Density: 3000 kg/m3

Target Type: Competent Rock or saturated soil

And lo, energy totalling

1.74 x 1019 Joules = 4.15 x 10(cubed, while I pretend to look for the HTML superscript code) MegaTons TNT

is unleashed upon the world.

With the bonus of:

Time for maximum radiation: 0.16 seconds after impact
Visible fireball radius: 4.4 km = 2.7 miles
The fireball appears 10.0 times larger than the sun
Thermal Exposure: 6.70 x 104 Joules/m2
Duration of Irradiation: 7 seconds
Radiant flux (relative to the sun): 10.0

The major seismic shaking will arrive at approximately 20.0 seconds.
Richter Scale Magnitude: 7.0
Mercalli Scale Intensity at a distance of 100 km:

VI. Felt by all. Many frightened and run outdoors. Persons walk unsteadily. Windows, dishes, glassware broken. Knickknacks, books, etc., off shelves. Pictures off walls. Furniture moved or overturned. Weak plaster and masonry D cracked. Small bells ring (church, school). Trees, bushes shaken (visibly, or heard to rustle).

VII. Difficult to stand. Noticed by drivers of motor cars. Hanging objects quiver. Furniture broken. Damage to masonry D, including cracks. Weak chimneys broken at roof line. Fall of plaster, loose bricks, stones, tiles, cornices (also unbraced parapets and architectural ornaments). Some cracks in masonry C. Waves on ponds; water turbid with mud. Small slides and caving in along sand or gravel banks. Large bells ring. Concrete irrigation ditches damaged.

Masonry C. Ordinary workmanship and mortar; no extreme weaknesses like failing to tie in at corners, but neither reinforced nor designed against horizontal forces.
Masonry D. Weak materials, such as adobe; poor mortar; low standards of workmanship; weak horizontally.

The ejecta will arrive approximately 144.2 seconds after the impact.
Average Ejecta Thickness: 1.2 cm = 0.48 inches
Mean Fragment Diameter: 4.6 cm = 1.82 inches

The air blast will arrive at approximately 333.3 seconds.
Peak Overpressure: 24651.3 Pa = 0.2465 bars = 3.5005 psi
Max wind velocity: 48.0 m/s = 107.4 mph
Sound Intensity: 88 dB (Loud as heavy traffic)

And that's a small asteroid. From 100km away. God help us if one of the 15000m-wide variety hits.

Alas, bidding has closed on this:

On that date the guitar had the opportunity of a lifetime. It was in the presence of the four most magical musicians in the world......thats correct, it was being rocked on ever so hard alongside with Led Zeppelin at the Destroyer II concert in Cleveland, Ohio.

Via RandomURL

There's a story about a funeral in England where the cleric delivered a moving, if brief, eulogy:

"We are gathered here to celebrate the memory of Mr. X -- but if the truth be told, he was a rather unpleasant fellow, and he shan't be missed."

The papers will be brimming tomorrow with effusive praise of Svend Robinson, the socialist MP from Burnaby, B.C., who blubbered his way through a press conference this afternoon announcing his temporary -- possibly permanent -- departure from politics. Seems Svend swiped some jewelry from a show last Friday, citing severe personal stress. He's sought out medical care, and announced that he won't run for Parliament until after possible criminal charges are sorted out.

He'll be lauded as a "dedicated," "passionate, "courageous, "committed," "humanitarian," "fiery civil rights advocate," secular saint.

In a word: Bollocks.

Robinson, Canada's first openly-homosexual MP, is a nasty, vituperative man who routinely slanders opponents as "bigots" and "homophobes." When Opposition Leader Stephen Harper made a mild joke at his expense, Robinson called him a "scumbag."

And how can we forget his charming antics, from heckling Ronald Reagan during a speech to Parliament, to engaging in a shoving match with Israeli soldiers when they wouldn't let him through to visit his hero, Yassir Arafat, to egging on the Brownshirt anti-globalization thugs as they rioted in Quebec City a couple of years ago.

It's ironic that Robinson is departing the scene on the eve of his biggest legislative triumph, Bill C-250, which should pass the Senate and become law next week.

This is a Private Member's Bill (which hardly ever are successful, even when sponsored by a Government backbencher) that got whisked through the Commons and Senate with Robinson pulling every procedural lever he could find (and with the Government running full-tilt interference for him).

Briefly, C-250 adds to Canada's hate crime laws the category of "sexual orientation."

Which means . . . you fill in the blank.

Never mind, the courts will do it for you.

John Leo discusses some of the ramifications here.

It will be used to hammer social and religious conservatives, make no mistake.

Thanks for the parting gift, you creepy little fascist.

I doubt that we've seen the last of him, failing a wooden stake through his heart, but if we have, let me be the first to say:

Buh-bye, Svend. You will not be missed.

TORONTO -- The Ontario government is obliged to treat the family of Ahmed Khadr no differently than any other resident, Premier Dalton McGuinty said Tuesday as critics decried the widow and children of the alleged al-Qaida leader as threats to Canadian security.

You can check out this link, or I can give you the Coles Notes version:

The Khadr family are "Canadians" who've spent most of their time in salubrious climes like Pakistan and Afghanistan, returning now and then to raise money for the family "charity," which was a front for al-Qaida training camps. In fact they knew Osama bin Laden very well.

Papa Khadr was killed in a shootout with Pakistani troops; the youngest Khadr was shot in the spine and paralyzed in the same firefight.

Omar Khadr -- the middle son -- is in Guantanamo Bay, accused of killing a US Army medic in an ambush in Afghanistan. The oldest boy, Abdurahman, was also arrested in Afghanistan, but was apparently turned by the CIA and sent to Guantanamo as an informant and later shipped off to Bosnia, etc., to collect intelligence. (He was the proverbial "black sheep" of the family -- he liked to chase girls, drink, and otherwise goof off. Not your promising holy warrior material.)

Anyway, to make a long story short, Mama and the youngest have decided to investigate Canadian health care, which is apparently superior to what's available in Pakistan (though not by much, is my guess).

To everyone's surprise, the Canadian government for once took a principled position, which was: They are Canadian citizens, therefore we have to let them in.

True enough, if a wildly unpopular viewpoint.

Me, I'm just looking for laughs, so I seized on the point that "Khadr" is pronounced "Kotter," which summons up memories of "Welcome Back, Kotter," the cheesy 70's sitcom that starred comedian Gabe Kaplan and propelled John Travolta into teenage stardom, a setback it took him twenty years to recover from.

Of course, 3,569 other bloggers, radio commentators, bag ladies and politicians immediately hit upon the same punchline.

So then I had one of the brainflashes that you have come to know and love -- why not leave them in the dust with a hilarious parody of the theme song? My readers will be wiggling their toes (or other appendages of their choice) with delight!

Sure. I downloaded the lyrics, which I barely remembered, and here they are:

Welcome back,
Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back,
To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well the names have all changed since you hung around,
But those dreams have remained and they're turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya (Who'd have thought they'd lead ya)
Here where we need ya (Here where we need ya)

Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've got him on the spot, welcome back,
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Feh. It doesn't even have a rhyme for jihadi.

And worse yet, the insipid melody is back and haunting me.

Hey, that rhymes with jihadi.

More or less.

baker baker baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and I wonder what's in a day
what's in your cake this time

-- tori amos

Yes! Who needs a CD writer, when you could have this? For only $29.99, complete with:

* 1 replacement light bulb
* 1 additional tiny pan
* 6 Mixes for your PC Ez-Bake oven: Chocolate Cake, Vanilla Cake, Peanut Butter Cookie, Chocolate Chip Cookie, and Caffeinated Meatloaf (comes dehydrated)
* Special office friendly recipes including "Duck Sauce Packet Tart", "Vending Machine Casserole", and "Non-Dairy Creamer Creme Brulee"

Now the computer savvy among us can relive the fun of having your very own personal mini-oven with the PC Ez-Bake oven! It fits in a 5 1/4" drive bay and plugs right into your power supply with the included Molex connector. Also included is "PC Ez-Cook", the open-source oven controller software with hundreds of easy and creative recipes for your PC Ez-Bake oven, and even a fuzzy-logic cooking control system to precisely measure the doneness of your cake, cookie, or cheese souffle. The PC Ez-Bake oven can even be used to cook your Pop Tarts, Bagel Bites, or any tiny or flat food. YUM!

go out yonder, peace in the valley
come downtown, have to rumble in the alley
oh, you don't know the shape I'm in

-- the band

This is an intriguing search engine being developed by Princeton. You draw something and it attempts to match it with images from the Internet or from specialized libraries. Expected to be quite useful for engineers and the like.

(It's getting a lot of traffic and it's pretty slow. You might not want to bother looking at it unless you have a broadband connection.)

oh but I still get my pleasure
still get my greatest treasure
heap big woman you gonna
make a big man out of me

-- queen

"Honey, do these pants make my butt look big?"

"I think that's the point, dear."

Yes, it's FanPants™ for the ultimate in comfortable stadium seating.

Via Gizmodo

the doctor said,
we need some staples for his head
the doctor said,
you should have took the bus instead

-- relient k

One wonders who's wasting more time: those who come up with webpages like this, or those who search them out.

i’ll buy you tall, tall trees
on all the waters and the seas
i’m a fool, fool, fool for you

-- alan jackson

Peggy Noonan on John Kerry:

It's OK that he looks like a sad tree, but you can't look like a sad, hollow tree. And it looks a little hollow in there.

He looks even sadder when getting beaten up by George Bush. (Bush looks more like Paul Wolfowitz -- but I quibble.)

So where is the bottle
I held in the battle
of mind against soul?

-- misc

These are interesting. (Don't bother installing the Japanese font.) Stare at them for a few moments and you'll swear they're moving.

Stare for a few more seconds and you get the uncanny impression that insects are crawling on your flesh.

No, wait. That's just delirium tremens. Never mind.

lord, take this makeup off of me.
i said, "lordy, lordy, lordy, take this makeup offa me."

-- yoko ono

Darn. Couldn't find Yoko, but lordy, lordy, lordy, here's Babs Streisand

among others at the shocking Celebs Without Makeup site.

Warning: images might be frightening for small children or animals.

I think we can all get behind this:

Poop For Peace Day is not about protest or partisanship or politics. Poop For Peace Day is about acknowledging the fundamental basis of shared humanity: black or white, liberal or conservative, Christian or Muslim or Jew, we are all united in struggle against the tyranny of the bowel.

Via Memepool

People are less than enamoured with the new Iraqi flag, so Allah's been busy whipping up some alternatives. This one cracked me up.

You can view the others here and here.

and it’s the blink of a shutter
it’s the hitman in the gutter
we’re all caught in a hidden camera show

-- tom mcrae

I offer this for informational purposes only.

These disposable cameras (about $5 dollars a pop) have a capacitor that can store up to 600 volts of stopping power. When the capacitor discharges those volts, it delivers an amperage comparable to stun guns. Perfect for our shocking device.

What you need

* A glove
* Some wire
* A battery holder
* A one-time-use camera, in our case, the Fujifilm QuickSnap camera

Via boing boing