This is kind of cute. Actually, a bit too cute. But the music is good. Even if it drives you stark raving bonkers after five minutes.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
This is kind of cute. Actually, a bit too cute. But the music is good. Even if it drives you stark raving bonkers after five minutes.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Well, boys and girls, looking at the ol' calendar in the ol' SysTray, I see that it's that "special time of the year" once again, and time to rerun this ol' Seasonal Favorite
Dear Editor--I am 8 years old.
Some of my little friends say there are no Canadians.
Papa says, 'If you see it in the blog québécois, it's so.'
Please tell me the truth, are there Canadians?
115 West Ninety-fifth Street
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the scepticism of a sceptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there are Canadians. They exist as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Canadians! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no child-like faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Canadians! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Canadians, but even if you did not see Canadians coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Canadians, but that is no sign that there are no Canadians. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Canadians! Thank God! they live, and they live forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, they will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
out of wisdom and out of pearls
tell me how do you talk to girls
am I stupid or misunderstood
i’d say something clever if I only could
I was going to stay in and blog tonight, but I found this collection of killer pickup lines, so I'm off to the bar to try them out.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
You're ugly but you intrigue me.
Oooh, you're lookin' fine. Not in the good way, in the "you'll do" way.
Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!
I will let you know how well they worked, assuming I make it out alive.
They have the hair, but do they have the style? Fabian Lliguin, owner of Cocoon studio on the upper East Side, who has worked all over the world, offers some makeover suggestions for the presidential candidates:
"For Bush, I would cut it closer on the sides, shorter on the top, but I would style his bangs longer to give him something to play with at the front. It would give him a more youthful look, and would make his face squarer.
"I'd put in some lowlights of his natural light-brown coloring to energize it a bit."
"With Kerry, it's the exact opposite. His face is very long, and he needs a rounder cut to balance that. I'd take a little bit off the top, make his bangs a little shorter and the sides a little longer.
Okay, I'm not an expert. Judge for yourself.
Nuttin'. I got nuttin' tonight. Tomorrow might be iffy, too. But definitely tonight, I got nuttin'.
By the way, after addressing the NAACP's 95th annual convention in Philadelphia, Kerry gave the audience the black power clenched-fist salute. I wonder whether his white audiences get the black power salute as well.
Walter Williams unloads his revolver in John Kerry's face. Not pretty, but well worth reading.
What would Judas do?
He would probably betray Jesus, that's what he'd do.
Question: How many bloggers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answers: One to change the light bulb and to post the fact that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
There's more here.
Via The Presurfer
and when I touch you I feel happy inside.
it's such a feeling that my love
i can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide.
-- the beatles
Addressing the crowd, Kerry's wife, Teresa, took a swipe at the Bush administration. "You cannot solve problems by throwing stones, and you cannot solve problems by telling lies, and you cannot solve problems by wishing ill to other people," she said. "The only way you solve problems is by holding hands and talking about it, and that's what we want to do in this campaign."
It's official, folks. This woman is seriously starting to Creep. Me. Out.
Via The Corner.
I see that Muqtada al-Sadr has again unleashed his fierce Mehdi Army to Fight The Power.
Score so far: Marines 2 KIA. Jihadis 300 KIA.
This isn't an insurgency. It's a cattle cull.
You've probably read some of the horror stories by computer techs dealing with moronic customers. It works the other way, too.
Via Steel White Table:
I was getting several "illegal operation" errors on a new Windows 95 machine I was trying out. So I called tech support.
Customer: "I want to buy this computer, but I'm a little concerned that I'm getting so many error messages. Is that common with this machine?"
Tech Support: "Well, we have to reformat the hard disk and reinstall the software every day. That's normal."
Customer: "Wait, wait, wait. You're saying that I will have to reinstall Windows every single time I use the computer?!?"
Tech Support: "When it has errors, ma'am, that's the only way to get rid of them."
I've actually been lucky with tech support in that I've almost never had to use it. I've been able to muddle through any problems I've had. I've only had to phone my ISP once. I can't remember exactly what the problem was, but I was using Netscape to put together a webpage.
The guy I was talking to seemed very nice, but he was adamant that I couldn't use Netscape to do that. Well, I could and I was; but I just let it drop, as he didn't seem to know much about the subject.
Back in February, an amusing article appeared in Salon, by a freelance writer who worked for a while in tech support for a major computer company. (He didn't say which, but it was probably Dell or Gateway.)
It's worse than you think:
Several people confess that they've never done more with a computer than check their e-mail. Others admit they haven't even gotten that far. An impromptu contest develops to see exactly who knows the least. There are lots of contenders. I'm listening to them battle for the crown of incompetence as I'm dealt a new hand of cards when a frightening thought occurs to me. Our clueless bunch is now part of the technical-support staff for one of the world's top three computer manufacturers, and in seven days we're going to be taking your calls.
You can read the rest here. (It's in Salon's "premium" section, so if you're not a subscriber you'll have to watch a short advertisement before reading the full thing.)
One more thing to worry about:
LONDON (Reuters) - The bad news is tens of millions of people along the eastern seaboard of the United States and Canada may drown if the slow slippage of a volcano off north Africa becomes a cataclysmic collapse.
But the good news is the world is not likely to be destroyed by an asteroid any time soon.
Scientist Bill McGuire told a news conference on natural disasters on Monday that some time in the next few thousand years the western flank of the Cumbre Vieja volcano on the Canary Island of La Palma will collapse, sending walls of water 100 meters high racing across the Atlantic.
This is from Planned Parenthood. I've seen North Korean propaganda that's more entertaining, not to mention more professionally done.
Warning: Sort of worksafe, depending on your tolerance for lousy voice acting, cheesy music and atrocious animation.
I will be live-blogging the Olympics.
Just the shot-putting competition, mind you. If I have some spare time, then I'll try to cover the rhythmic gymnastics. Or water polo.
When will water polo gain the audience it deserves?
Tune in 24/7 for all the shot-putting/rhythmic gymnastics/water polo coverage you can handle!
What's that? You can't handle all the shot-putting/rhythmic/gymnastics/water polo coverage?
Fair enough. Then I'm not going to provide it.
Via PC Watch:
Fairlands Valley Park in Stevenage, Herts, in the UK told a man that he could not take a photograph of his OWN SON at a public swimming pool without first getting permission from everyone who was at the pool at the time. "It's absolutely ludicrous - red tape gone mad. What bureaucratic numbskull trying to justify his fatcat wage thought that one up?" asked angry dad Barry Jackson after being told by a lifeguard that taking photos at the pool was banned. "What next? Will they ban cameras on beaches or in parks?"
The pools are owned by Stevenage Borough Council but run by Stevenage Leisure Ltd. The company defended the rules, designed to stop paedophiles. A spokesman said: "It is our duty to protect children using the paddling pool."
It is true that you've got to be careful around cameras. Especially security cameras. Witness.
Warning: Not worksafe (though your Human Resources department might want to consider scaring new employees with it).
ba buh ba ba baaa buhbuh
ba ba ba buh baaa
ba ba ba ba baaa buhbuh
ba buh ba buh baaa
Dateline: Athens, Greece.
Call me impulsive, but I decided to go to the Olympics. I caught the redeye from New York and here I am in Greece, and whoa, it's like a different country or something.
The opening ceremonies are breathtaking, or so I am told, as I prefer to tackle a few bottles of ouzo first. It's usually just a bunch of folkdancing, anyway.
I make it to the stadium in time to catch the thrilling Race of the Nations. How fitting is this, ladies and gentlemen, that the host nation, Greece, is first across the finish line! This joint is rockin', let me tell you.
The first real upset of the Games! The small Caribbean island nations of St. Lucia and St. Vincent and the Grenadines finish second and third respectively!
Unfortunately Canada, er, "Kanadae" only managed 76th place. I am informed that we will change its name to "Adanac" to improve our results in the future.
Or at least beat the damn Aussies at something.
It's got to be very disappointing for the so-called superpowers of the Games, the United States and Russia, as they trail the pack badly. Better luck in Beijing '08, guys.
We are waiting with bated breath for the torchbearer. Wait, he has just entered the stadium! According to the announcer, it's a little-known Greek sprinter named Thosamas Binladenopolous.
He seems to be garbed in some sort of ancient Greek outfit, complete with . . . a laurel wreath? Let me check with the binoculars. Nope, it's not a laurel wreath -- it appears to be a traditional Arab headdress. Isn't that a lovely multicultural touch!
I wonder how you can run in those flowing robes, but Binladenopolous is actually picking up speed as he rounds the final curve. He's being chased by hundreds of excited childr . . . check that, hundreds of Special Forces troops.
This is soooo exciting! Binladenopolous is now at the top of the staircase, waving to the crowd! The soldiers are firing rifle salutes! One of them seems to have winged Binladenopoulous! He struggles to his feet to light the torch and now let the 2004 Athens Summer Games begi--
i can`t help it I`m a quitter
from inside I`m cold and bitter
-- gas giants
It was while watching the springboard synchronized diving competition that I realized I couldn't blog the Olympics anymore.
Even after cashing in all my frequent-flier miles and savings bonds; and selling most of my furniture and my (left, slightly damaged) kidney, I can no longer afford to fly to Athens; return home; blog the Olympics; return to Athens; return home; blog the Olympics; repeat; rinse; repeat. In retrospect, I think I should have brought the laptop with me.
The German broadcaster ZDF ran an online poll on who should be elected US president. Something tells me they weren't expecting this:
ZDF actually took down a previous poll that was going much the same way, claiming that someone was "manipulating" it. I can't see that anyone would spend a lot of energy trying to hack the site.
I only voted once, so I don't know if they were using cookies or IP numbers to discourage multiple votes, but it hardly matters: Kerry voters would have had the same opportunity to pack the ballot.
Internet polls are kind of useless at best; but I think you could make the argument that, at the least, Bush voters are much more enthusiastic about their candidate than Kerry's are theirs.
So I go back today to see how things are going -- and wonder of wonders, ZDF has taken down the poll again.
Ray D. of the Medienkritik blog has more here.
Update: The link to the poll has been removed from ZDF's main page, but the poll is still active here. Choose who ye will and then click on the "Abstimmen" link at the bottom of the page to cast yon votage.
Again, to new bloggers or those that might have linked me without reciprocation: It's best to hit the site through your blogroll. That way your domain will turn up in my referral logs and it's a simple matter for me to click back through and find your site.
If you've been doing that and I haven't responded, please drop me an email and we'll figure out what the problem is.
Via Tongue Tied
The Honolulu Advertiser says Buddhists in Hawaii are upset about a new bar opening in Waikiki that bear the name of the big guy himself.
The Buddha Bar opened only last week and is already generating letters and emails of complaint.
"This is an inappropriate name and is a show of disrespect towards Buddhism," wrote Barbara Brennan in an e-mail sent to Buddhists and others. "The ignorance of the proprietors and their efforts to create a 'catchy' name for their establishment shows disregard for our religious community."
Okay, so it's a groaner. It's been a tough day.
Via the Telegraph:
German men are being shamed into urinating while sitting down by a gadget which is saving millions of women from cleaning up in the bathroom after them. The WC ghost, a £6 voice-alarm, reprimands men for standing at the lavatory pan. It is triggered when the seat is lifted. The battery-operated devices are attached to the seats and deliver stern warnings to those who attempt to stand and urinate (known as "Stehpinkeln").
"Hey, stand-peeing is not allowed here and will be punished with fines, so if you don't want any trouble, you'd best sit down," one of the devices orders in a voice impersonating the German leader, Chancellor Gerhard Schroder. Another has a voice similar to that of his predecessor, Helmut Kohl.
The manufacturers of the WC ghost, Patentwert, say they are ready to direct their gadgets at the British market.
Their prototype English-speaking WC ghost says in an American drawl: "Don't you go wetting this floor cowboy, you never know who's behind you. So sit down, get your water pistol in the bowl where it belongs. Ha, ha, ha."
Ha, ha, ha. How would we survive without that wacky German toilet humor?
I can tell you this: Any self-respectin' American cowboy would be goin' fer his six-shooter 'pon findin' this critter. One bullet for the "W.C. Ghost" and five for the idiot who thought it'd be cute to install it.
This has got me stumped. It looks simple -- steer the car through the maze -- but if there's a way to do it, it's beyond my powers of deduction.
Click on the green triangle to start. When the car comes to an intersection, some of the triangles will light up, indicating the directions you can go.
None of which will take you any closer to your goal. Not worksafe, because you'll be screaming with frustration after 10 minutes.
oh, i blessed him as he bled
oh at last, the king is dead
god save the queen
-- phil ochs
For a bunch of socialist weenies, the BBC puts out some interesting and informative historical games. (A whole lotta them here.) This is a murder mystery set in 80 A.D. Rome. I didn't have time to more than glance at it, but you might find it worthy of perusal.
Or if you're after more cerebral fare, you can play paper dolls with Anna Kournikova.
I have a certain genius for dressing the female form, yes?
Warning: Music on the Kournikova link (which isn't a direct link -- click on Play This Game on the right side of the screen). Anna is fully clothed. At least to start with.
You probably recall this guy from the Olympics.
Painted on his chest and back were advertisements for Golden Palace, an Internet casino, which is also sponsoring the Canadian entry in the Ansari X Prize, the $10 million contest to develop a relaunchable sub-orbital space vehicle.
Golden Palace's contribution is not entirely altruistic, of course. It has the dream -- a crazy, groovy, farout, mixedup dream, sure -- of eventually establishing the first Casino In Space.
Evan Kirchhoff rides the rocket to the logical conclusion:
In the future, you will be able to pay $100,000 to be transported into orbit around the Earth, humanity's only home, a glistening blue jewel against the vast black unfeeling cosmos, and play Pai Gow Poker on a website. If they add online bill-paying and tax preparation software, I am so there.
From Iraq The Model:
Iraqi football team won against Australia 1-0 to reach the semifinal for the first time in Iraq's history. Now we are going to play for a medal! Iraq has one medal only in her Olypic record; a bronze one that we won in weight-lifting back in 1960.
This is the *BEST* acheivment Iraq has ever acheived in soccer. Strange isn't it!? Not to me! I really expected that despite the difficult life in Iraq that our athletes were going to perform better than ever, and I believe it's the effect of freedom.
Right now there is lots of shooting into the air (I don't like it but at least Iraqis are happy and it's better to waste bullets this way).
I know some of our American friends are upset with the Iraqi team because of the latest comments of some players, but this is Iraq, not 1 or 2 players and the player who said these terrible words didn't even play! I wish you could forget that idiot and join us in our celebrations, as the truth must be said, it's a victory that you helped in in so many ways.
And check out the comments. 340 and counting.
Me, I've started to chat with the spammers.
Kerry: "When I was a young man, he was in the state department stationed in Berlin when it and the world were divided between democracy and communism." The silly mark, may you succumb (A desire to see the continuing fall of communism)
Kerry: "I am determined now to restore that pride to all who look to America." Bush gone with war (Implying that Bush's priorities are with war)
Kerry: "We have it in our power to change the world but only if we are true to our ideals." I found it in the hill (A reference to Capitol Hill. He believe power lies in the (Capitol) Hill.)
Some people have got way too much time on their hands. The above excerpts were taken from John Kerry's acceptance speech at the Democratic convention. The bolded portions are allegedly "reverse speech," an interpretation of phrases heard when (you guessed it) you play the tape backwards. To quote from the website:
It has been called the discovery of the 7th sense. The research into this phenomenon has been described as being of "Nobel calibre". It has been featured in numerous publications around the world, and in the United States it became a household name in the late 90s. It is called Reverse Speech, the phenomenon of hidden backward messages in speech. It initially gained worldwide fame in the early 80s as those strange backward messages in rock and roll. Since that time, research has progressed significantly and it is now known to exist in all forms of human speech.
If human speech is recorded and played backwards, mixed amongst the gibberish at regular intervals can be heard very clear statements. These statements usually appear in short sentence form and are nearly always related to the forward speech. It appears constantly throughout language, so much so in fact, that it is believed to be a natural part of our speech processes.
Uh-huh. The guy deserves some kind of award, I guess what a maroon for actually listening to the entire speech backwards. Though maybe it was an improvement over the forwards version.
The European Union has put its best bureaucratic minds together in a bid to dominate the automotive market.
Hope the guy doesn't mind me Photoshopping the background out of the page. If he does, I will mollify him by linking to his main page. (He's a quite talented artist and designer, doing work for the likes of Sony and Microsoft.)
If you’ve ever seen a rubber woman, you know it must take a lot of imagination to, er, handle her the way you’re supposed to. Some Russian men and women apparently have even more imagination to spare — 126 of them used inflatable sex dolls as flotation devices to raft down rapids in the vicinity of St. Petersburg.
The second Bubble Baba Challenge (in Russian, baba stands for “woman,” only unlike the other word for woman, zhenschina, conveys not a shred of respect) was held on the Vuoksa river that runs in northwestern Russia a year after the first contest. Dmitry Bulawinov, the mastermind and organizer behind the unusual sporting event, says the idea of floating down the river in the embraces of a rubber woman was conceived as a joke at a party where the men got drunk and the women didn’t show up. While considering the possible uses for a rubber woman on a camping trip, someone voiced the thought that a sex doll would make a handy flotation device.
[ . . . ]
Although vastly outnumbered by men excited about floating down the river atop a rubber chick, women did compete in the contest, finding nothing odd about using such unusual “lifesavers.” Bulawinov and other organizers try to be fair and leave open the option of floating down on rubber men dolls, but unfortunately, they can’t rent them out like they do the rubber women.
They rent them out?
We all love a drink. Some of us love them so much they want to see them again on the way out of their mouths. I once got caught by surprise by the boozy sickness while chatting to some friends in my kitchen. Quick as a flash I grabbed a nearby pan and chundered away merrily in it. Realising it was probably time for bed I staggered off to my room. Unfortunately, my co-ordination failed just as I reached the landing and I somersaulted down the entire flight of stairs with my saucepan full of vomit. Beat that!
Um, nothing that dramatic. I do recall a lazy summer afternoon with large quantities of dark rum and orange juice. It tasted so very, very good going down. It tasted so very, very bad coming up.
To this day I can't drink a screwdriver without at least mentally gagging.
Some funny stories (if you're into that sort of thing) at b3ta.
When you’re twisting balloons for children, never tell them what you’re making. The majority of the finished products—despite your best attempts—almost always look like a dog, a blastula, or something vaguely phallic. If you identify what you’re actually attempting to make, the children will respond to your finished product with, “That doesn’t look like a [insert animal name]…” But if you make the animals and then ask, “What does it look like to you?” the child’s imagination will take over, turning the blue, four-legged balloon into Blue from Blue’s Clues, the blastula into a Pokemon, and the phallic object into an elephant. You’ll also get bonus points because you were so cool for making exactly what they wanted.
Manipulating the public for fun and profit. An interesting collection of "tricks of the trade" from entertainers, salesmen, etc.
Dear Prime Minister,
I distinctly remember your promise in the past campaign; that if you were elected, the Government of Canada would make it a top priority to put Carolyn Parrish in a locked, weighted steamer trunk and send it over Niagara Falls. (The Canadian side is far more picturesque, of course.)
Alas, yet another Liberal promise broken. But who's counting? I see that Ms. Parrish is again in the news:
Canadian Member of Parliament Carolyn Parrish had said she hated "damned Americans" and called them bastards in the run-up to the Iraq war. She found a new moniker, idiots, on Wednesday in discussing the planned U.S. missile defense system.
"We are not joining the coalition of the idiots. We are joining the coalition of the wise," the Liberal legislator told a small group of demonstrators.
Parrish, who had to apologize for her "bastards" remarks last year, at first denied using the word idiots, and when reporters pointed out they had her remarks on tape, she said: "I don't mean Americans are idiots."
Parrish then begged reporters not to use the remarks: "Please guys don't put that on tape," she said. "I already got into trouble once.... Really, please, I've had enough trouble."
Four hours later, however, she hardened her line.
"The last one was a really stupid thing to say," she told Reuters. "Bastards is an inappropriate word. Idiots is a term people use in everyday conversation," she told Reuters.
Quite so, Prime Minister. I myself have used, and continue to use, the term "idiots" in everyday conversation, usually when discussing you and your government.
However, I've been trying to think of a more appropriate term for Ms. Parrish, and by Jove, I think I've got it. Addlepated douchebag.
Kind of rolls off the tongue. Addlepated douchebag.
You might object -- isn't this a "sexist" term? No, Sir, it most manifestly is not!
Although addlepated douchebag will first and foremost bring to mind the distinguished member from Mississauga-Erindale, it works extraordinarily well when describing other Liberal politicians. It's really quite flexible that way:
I think I'm on to something.
With your assistance, Prime Minister, we can put addlepated douchebag where it belongs -- at the top of the Google rankings. Let Canada be known as the number-one location for discriminating consumers of addlepated douchebaggery.
I remain, your loyal servant, & etc.
Never doubt the power and reach of the blog québécois!
True, it only had to beat one other entry, but that makes it all the sweeter. With one fell swoop, I have not only slandered a politician, I have also deprived someone of a googlewhack.
(If you don't want to follow the link, a "googlewhack" is any two words that turn up in one and only one document in a Google search. Previously the only googlewhack I'd discovered was illiquid Rastafarian.)
Via G'day Mate!
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
I'm not really sure what this site's about, but it's got 3D car racing in a topsy-turvy world of kaleidoscopic horses and spinning turtles. What more do you need?
Worth1000.com is a site that features very good Photoshopped parodies of various things. They claim copyright over the pictures, which seems dubious, as the pictures often themselves contain trademarked images, but I'm not going to argue the point. Go here to look at some games that didn't quite make it to the market.