the blog quebecois

I am so going to Hell for this. OK, it's only mildly blasphemous, so maybe I can negotiate it down to a few weeks in Purgatory.

Joey the Accordion Guy has unearthed an unlikely etymology of the word "blog."

Via small dead animals

take a load off, fanny
take a load for free
take a load off, fanny

the band

Ewww.

I don't watch shows like American Idol because I can only stomach so much Celine Dion-Eurovision-MOR-AOR crap until I explode.

Nevertheless I found myself trapped! Trapped, I tell you, watching the pale Canadian imitation, named imitatively enough, Canadian Idol.

Watching the cast absolutely massacre The Band's The Weight, though, is more than I can stand.

So I shall not post on the matter.

Ewww.

Just . . . ewww.

Martin Street sends this email:

Bounder of Adventure is my new blog dedicated to creating a daily update of links to new posts in the Canadian Blogosphere. As you continue to create new content, Bounder will be updated (by hand, of course) with short entries and links. My goal is to create a one-stop link market for readers interested in right-of-centre Canadian content.

I'm pleased to reciprocate his link to me. As always, if you've put me on your blogroll and I haven't returned the favor, just drop me a note.

now you're looking for God in exciting new ways
i say trust Him at once which is something these days
lucy can't dance to the noise but she
knows what the noise can do

Came across this today:

At the funeral, in an act of desperation, Jeff decided that he would not let Lucy leave him. "I called the cemetary caretaker and explained my feelings. I spoke with the authorities and got special permission to take my wife home with me. They thought it was strange, but I was allowed to take her with me. I'd rather have her at home than seven feet under ground. Lucy had a great sense of humor and I'm sure she would appreciate being my coffee table." Jeff ordered a special glass casing that eliminates the decomposition of a dead body. "It cost me about $6,000.00, but it was worth it."

Hmm. Seemed a bit fishy to me, so I googled the names and look what turns up at Snopes.com:

This one is just a macabre but silly story. Every state of the U.S. has laws governing who can transport dead bodies and how they can be disposed of, and "The husband would like to take his wife's corpse home to keep in his coffee table" doesn't pass muster in any state, no matter how much a "cemetery caretaker" might sympathize with the bereaved, and no matter what influential "authorities" might grant permission. Nor would a glass case (even an airtight one) keep a body entirely free from the effects of post-mortem changes and decomposition.

From April of Dave Barry's Year In Review: [registration required]

Meanwhile, in another blow to the U.S.-led coalition effort in Iraq, Spain withdraws its troop, Sgt. Juan Hernandez. As violence in Iraq escalates, critics of the Bush administration charge that there are not enough U.S. soldiers over there. Administration officials heatedly deny this, arguing that the real problem is that there are too many Iraqis over there. In the words of one high-level official (who is not identified in press reports because of the difficulties involved in spelling "Condoleezza") the administration "may have to relocate the Iraqis to a safer area, such as Ecuador." John Kerry calls this "a ridiculous idea," adding, "I wholeheartedly endorse it."

For my money, the best humorist in the Anglosphere. Alas, he's packing it in, at least temporarily:

So this is a great job. And yet I'm quitting it, at least for now. I want to stop before I join the horde of people who think I used to be funnier. And I want to work on some other stuff.

So for the next year, I won't be writing regular columns, though I hope to weigh in from time to time if something really important happens, such as a cow exploding in a boat toilet.

At some point in the next year, I hope to figure out whether I want to resume the column. Right now, I truly don't know.

So in case I don't get to say this later: Thanks to all you editors for printing my column, and thanks especially to all you readers for reading it. You've given me the most wonderful career an English major could hope to have. I am very grateful.

From eBay:

This story is completely true and no names have been changed to protect the guilty! This year for Christmas my boyfriend of two years promised me an iPod but instead presented me with

Warning: Might not be SFW

there's no distance put between us
safe enough for you to hide
i'm watching all of your secrets

elton john

I've spent way too much time today playing around with this.

There is no shortage of webcams on the Net that people want you to look at. However, Smartypus McGnome (I believe that that's probably a fake name) posted a hack that allows you to search Google to find cameras hooked up to unsecured networks.

I doubt you'll find any top secret installations here -- just some sloppy sysadmin work.

The cameras are installed in various locations from restaurants to research labs. Others report seeing farms and veterinarians' offices. Some of the sites allow you access to the cam control panels, so you can pan and tilt to look around.

Enter this search string (or just click the link) at Google: inurl:"ViewerFrame?Mode="

Another one (for a different make of webcam) is: inurl:"axis-cgi/mjpg"

Have fun, but remember, if you happen to witness a murder or see Osama bin Laden skulking around a cave somewhere, I retain the rights to option it out to Hollywood.

Via Feeeds and boingboing

One of the more (albeit inadvertently) entertaining websites out there is Ask-Imam.com. Let's see what the good cleric has to say about this monthly dilemma.

Ask-Imam.com > Marriage (Nikah) > Question 13539 from United States

Can a Muslim send a marriage proposal to a Muslima within the time span of her idda?

As-salamu-alaikum Imam. My question is only about sending the marriage proposal. The proposal is intended to be sent to a Muslima who has started her idda. Can this proposal be sent to her before she has completed her idda? Please let me know the evidence from Islam to support your answer. Jazak Allahu Khair

Answer 13539

It is prohibited to send a proposal to a woman during her Iddah.

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai

This must lead to some rather . . . strained conversations. "I . . . I wish to ask for your hand in . . . marriage, unless . . . you know?"

"I . . . I know."

"Maybe next week?"

While you're there, don't forget to check out the exciting random fatwa feature!

Ask-Imam.com > Society and Culture > Question 11138 from Canada

If a non-mahram gives salaam to me, am I supposed to reply it quietly or loudly? I have heard its wajib to reply to a salaam.

Answer 11138

It is Waajib (compulsory) for a Muslim to reply to the salaam of a Muslim if there is no fear of Fitna and evil, for example, a Ghayr Mahram makes salaam to a male.

In such a situation where there is fear of Fitnah and evil, one should not reply to the salaam. It is not appropriate for a Muslim to display bad character and conduct in front of a non-Muslim. If a non-Muslim makes salaam, in principle, one should reply ‘Salaamun alaa manittaba’ alhudaa’ (May peace be upon those that follow guidance). One may offer an answer to the effect of the above with respect and dignity.

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai

I'm certainly glad we were able to clear that up!

-

well, let me tell you about the way she looked
the way she acted and the color of her hair
her voice was soft and cool, her eyes were clear and bright
but she's not there

the zombies

The boys (at least I assume they're boys) at 3DM Community are having a prettiest CG (computer graphics) girl contest.

Warning: Not all the pictures are SFW.

Most amateur (and many professional) CG attempts at capturing female beauty are somewhat offputting. And I'm not just referring to the ones that portray them as lizardoid space vampires.

There's just something mannequinish and airbrushed about them. Also, many CG geeks have never even seen an actual woman, so that's got to be a disadvantage.

Some, though, are stunning:

The Times Online:

'The worst reports to come out of the tsunami disaster are surely the claims that many orphaned or lost children are being kidnapped by predators. But is this horror story just too bad to be true? There appears to be little evidence to support warnings of mass child abduction. To me, it looks more as if the West's own unhealthy obsession with seeing child abuse everywhere is now being projected on to the Asian disaster zone ....'

Mick Hume is an interesting fellow. Formerly the editor of the fiercely iconoclastic Living Marxism, he went on to found the equally heterodox spiked, which is always worth a read for its provocative and well-argued pieces.

He's come to the same conclusion that I have -- that this supposed epidemic of child-snatching in the wake of the tsunami (Is there no official name for it yet?) is largely in the imaginations of radical feminists like Carol Bellamy, the Executive Director of UNICEF, and other government and media busybodies who will exploit any and every tragedy to advance their agendas.

I was watching an interview on CBC of a Sri Lankan family that lost their 10-year-old daughter when the wave crashed into a passenger train, killing at least 800 people. They were convinced that she had been abducted, and you really can't blame them for holding on to that pitiful hope.

But it'd be unusual indeed for anyone to have lived through that chaos and horror and stagger out with the lust-crazed thought: Hey, this is the perfect time to grab me a child sex-slave.

As Hume points out, it's just not credible.

Not that any facts matter with a crowd that is at the same intellectual level with the moonbats who natter on about George Bush causing the thing by somehow insulting the Goddess of Gaia.

Old joke, so I apologize if you've heard it -- but, hey, I got nothin' tonight.

A travelling salesman has a car breakdown and makes his way to a farmer's house.

The farmer asks him if he'd like something to drink, and hollers: "Hey, Princess!"

And a pig with only one hind leg comes hopping out of the kitchen and hands the salesman a perfectly mixed martini.

Later on, the farmer asks the salesman if he'd like to listen to some music, and hollers: "Hey, Princess!"

And the pig comes hopping out of the kitchen, sits down at the piano and flawlessly plays an exquisite Chopin étude.

The salesman finally leans over to the farmer and says, "That's quite a remarkable pig you've got there."

The farmer nods and says, "Ay-yup."

"I am curious, though. How did Princess lose her hind leg? An accident of some sort?"

The farmer didn't speak for a long time, and then drawled:

"Weyalll, when you've got a pig that talented, it'd be kind of a shame to eat it all at once."

OK, keeping with the animal theme, here's a game that deserves marks for originality. Or something.

Iowahawk, one of the best satirists in or out of the blogosphere, makes funny at Dan Rather's expense. Go read.

i know a boy, a boy called trampoline
You know what i mean
i think you know what he wants

u2

I have no idea what he wants. Probably sex. On a trampoline. With the Party Girl.

While pondering this riddle, you might want to play a dopey game, financed, I note, with Canadian taxpayer dollars. It's actually preferable to most of the other things that the Canadian taxpayer funds.

Posting will be sporadic -- um, more sporadic than usual over the next few days.

Even a blogging machine such as myself has to tend to other matters from time to time.

I was curious about Melanie Phillips' take on the Sieg Harry hoohah. As you might expect, the 1996 winner of the Orwell Prize for journalism cuts to the chase:

[P]eople are very keen to stand up for the Jews as long as they are safely dead and a tragic chapter in history over which to wax indignant. It's the live Jews they can't stand.

Once you've heard one of these, you've heard 'em all -- or so I thought.

i been doing it since
i was a young kid
i’ve come out grinnin’
when i fight authority
authority always wins

john mellencamp

[Homeowner] Castillo went down to the kitchen and confronted the [burglary] suspect, Chris Kemp, who is unknown to Castillo and his family. Kemp, who was dressed up in Castillo's mother's clothes including her leopard skin hat and matching scarf, was moving kitchen appliances around.

The Owner's Manual links the original story, if you're interested. For me, the cited portion and especially the picture will suffice. As a commenter on Gary's blog noted:

If you were born to look like that, your only choices are petty crime and crime lord in a comic book. No other jobs are available.

there goes my baby
there goes my heart
they’re gone forever
so far apart

roy orbison

I've heard of literary niches, but this is a bit ridiculous. It's by someone named Ulrich Haarbürste, who writes short-short stories about wrapping the late singer-songwriter Roy Orbison in Saran Wrap (or cling-film, as they call it in Europe):

I start at the ankles and work up. I am like a spider binding him in my gossamer web. I do it tight with several layers. Soon Roy Orbison stands before me, completely wrapped in cling-film. The pleasure is unexampled.

I guess it's like Hemingway and bullfights, or James Joyce and Dublin.

He (I'm assuming that Ulrich is a male name) is actually a pretty good (I'm assuming, too, that English isn't his first language) writer, with a sparse, economical style that rather suits the bizarre subject-matter.

In case this genre is more popular than I suspected, Ulrich is your go-to guy:

If you have written any stories about Roy being completely wrapped in clingfilm please send them to me and I may put them up on the site. If you have a site with stories about other pop stars being wrapped in cling-film mail me and we can exchange links.

I can think of several pop stars that I wouldn't mind wrapping in cling-film. Very tightly.

He does have standards, though:

I have also had to refuse a number of very good stories on the grounds that they may have libelled Roy or exceeded the bounds of propriety. On the same subject, may I say that I received a couple of stories dealing with tinfoil-wrapping, which were deleted promptly. Tinfoil wrappers are degenerates and should be ashamed.

Via The Presurfer

with gilligan, the skipper too
the millionaire, and his wife
the movie star, the professor and mary ann
here on gilligan's isle

wyle & schwartz

Mr. Sun has obviously put a lot of thought into the optimal strategy for boinking the beauteous Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island:

In this time of war and great tragedy, I have naturally been preoccupied with the big questions. Namely, how would I have bedded Mary Ann if I were Gilligan. The answer? Strategy. I would have used my mind to create a rock solid Mary Ann Nailing Strategy that guaranteed I'd be rockin' the hut on a regular basis.

I mean, he's even drawn up sort of a Power Point chart:

It's all a bit complicated to me, but Mr. Sun will explain all here.

This might well be the most distasteful thing I have ever brought to your attention, and it's by no means safe for work. Click the link -- if you dare.

Via Dave Barry

These are famous scenes both from history and fiction rendered in the 3D isometric view common to computer games. There are 16 others here. (They expand to full-screen by clicking on them.)

The Screenshots FAQ has a brief description of each if you can't figure some of them out.

And here's a small tutorial on how the artist planned out one of them (the bottom left, depicting the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald).

everyone's looking at you, oh
everyone's wondering, will you come out tonight
everyone's trying to get it right, get it right

loverboy

A temp worker in Virginia:

We're stacking boxes that have been returned by a big discount department store that shall remain nameless. The boxes have to have their bar codes scanned and if they scan correctly, we hear Homer Simpson scream "WOO-HOO!" And if they aren't scanned correctly we hear Homer Simpson scream "D'OH!" So all frickin' day it was "WOO-HOO! WOO-HOO! WOO-HOO! WOO-HOO! WOO-HOO! D'OH! WOO-HOO! WOO-HOO! WOO-HOO! WOO-HOO! D'OH!" I'm serious. There were several groups of people scanning these boxes, so I could hear Homer constantly in the background. It was funny at first, then it was hellish.

Speaking of bad management decisions, hiring this guy would be high up on the list. I'm assuming it was an audition.

No, I'm praying it was an audition. He's absolutely awful.

Via Ace of Spades

I don't know quite what to make of this site, but you might find it interesting. It's a collection of animated poems (at least that's how I'd describe them) in various languages, with a catchy jazz score.

In any event, it'll have to do. I haven't had a lot of time today to look around or write.

so we had a plan
in a big blue can
the government substitute for meat

save ferris

You've heard of slam poetry? How about spam poetry?

Und now, giff it hup for the spam-inspired stylinks of . . . Alllllbert SpAMMMMmus! Spamus!

better, it dissolves in you
mouth which will go

directly to you
blood stream
15 minutes or less—

to feel
the hardness going on.

I keep a long list of links for emergency use, i.e., when I absolutely cannot think of anything to write.

Even those choices are looking especially lame tonight, but there you have it.

Now that I've fired up your hopes, here's a fun game!

And here's another!

Here's what I did on the weekend:

Unplug, unplug, unplug, unplug, unplug, unplug, unplug, unplug. Lift, strain, wrestle, wrestle. Unplug. Unscrew, unscrew, unscrew, unscrew, unscrew, unscrew, unscrew. Unclip, unclip, unclip, unclip, wrestle, wrestle, swear, wrestle, Boing! Unscrew, unscrew, unscrew, unscrew. Tug, wrestle, skin knuckles, swear, get pliers, tug, tug, Pop! Install, uninstall, install right way around. Plug, plug, plug, plug, plug. Clip, clip, clip, clip. Screw, screw, screw, screw. Wrestle, wrestle, push, swear, bang into place with fist. Screw, screw, screw, screw, screw, screw, screw. Lift, strain, wrestle, wrestle. Plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug. Boot. KEYBOARD NOT FOUND Swear. Plug. Boot. DEVICE NOT FOUND Swear.

Wait a minute. Did I forget to hook up the power supply again?

Repeat above, but with more swearing.