I was somewhat perplexed by the controversy surrounding rapper Ice-T's 1992 song, "Cop Killer." If you don't recall it, there was much outrage about it from various police associations and politicians, to the point where Time-Warner, which released the album it appeared on, withheld it from subsequent pressings. (And I still haven't heard it to this day.) With all the hoo-hah about "freedom of speech" and "inciting violence" and "the nature of the black experience in America" there seemed one obvious defence that no one was making, though Ice-T later would hit on the essence of it:
"I'm singing in the first person as a character who is fed up with police brutality. I ain't never killed no cop. I felt like it a lot of times. But I never did it. If you believe that I'm a cop killer, you believe David Bowie is an astronaut," in reference to Bowie's song "Space Oddity."
Or that Mick Jagger is a "Street Fighting Man," etc.
In other words, we are dealing with works of fiction here, with the singer (or by extension, the band) stepping into the equally fictitious role of the protagonist.
Now, keeping all that in mind, I present this completely fictional song, in which I attempt to imagine how it is for all those poor slobs out there stumbling through life. Because, if you must know, I am so incredibly cool that it would make you sick.
Did I mention that I MADE ALL OF THIS STUFF UP??!? Sheesh.
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[Verse]I farted in church loud and clear as a bell
It rattled the preacher
From his pulpit he fell
There was no denyin'
The shame i felt
And worst of all
It really smelled-------------------------------------------------
[Verse]
The whole damn crowd turned to look at me
They was sniffin' the air like it was blasphemy
I felt like crawling
Under the pew
I mean I felt
Like, you know, that this was uncool------------------------------------------------
[Verse]
I got real drunk and I asked a lady
I said how'd she like
To carry my baby
She slapped my face
And out I went
To nurse a hangover
and forever repent---------------------------------------------
[Chorus]
Life's embarrassing moments
Yeah, life's embarrassing moments
These really should pass without comment
But I need a song
Won't you sing along-------------------------------------------------
Walked into a meeting
With my fly undone
I looked like a derelict
O-on the run
My new proposals were rejected by all
They shook their heads
Said they'd give me a call
-------------------------------------------------[Chorus]
-------------------------------------------------
[Bridge]
I phoned an old acquaintance
And said: Could I speak to Paul?
Unfortunately he's to be buried next week
And that was all
My condolences to his family I paid
And then I went to his funeral
and tripped over a spade-------------------------------------------------
[Chorus]
-------------------------------------------------
[Verse]
I had a girl
Man, she was really hot
We wrestled all evening
I pinned her to the cot
But when the chips were down
My passion fled
She cut me up with words
And kicked me out of bed-------------------------------------------------
[Chorus]
-------------------------------------------------
[ad. lib., out]
Yeah, life
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Life's Embarrassing Moments Warning: Embedded QuickTime audio.
Alternate: Unfortunately it isn't a streaming site, but you can click on the download link, and when the Windows or equivalent dialog box appears, you can elect to save it to disk, or (first choice) open up the song with the default media player, like iTunes, WinAmp, or Windows Media Player. Life's Embarrassing Moments
Previous:
Cry Me A River
I Got A Girl
The Very Last Man On Earth
Golddigger
Hangin' In The Park
Just So You Know
Caught By Computer
Me & J.B.
By The Lake
Dirty Little Secret
Fire In The Waxworks
Warning Shots
The Chase
Just Like A Woman