the blog quebecois

Singing Into A Silver Bowl

2010-03-22T03:30:54Z

I gave my cousin his first guitar. At least I hope I didn't charge any money for it. When he was fourteen or fifteen or thereabouts his mother asked me if I'd sell her one of my old guitars, to give to my cousin for a birthday present. As a bonus, I decided to refinish it. after attacking it for a couple of days with everything in my arsenal including a power sander, I was forced to conclude that the original finish was made of material intended for the heat tiles on the space shuttle. I had it about half-sanded off when I gave up. I painted the remainder with ordinary deck stain. My God, this surely would have qualified as a war crime, if anyone cared about cheap guitars, that is. Like I said, I hope she didn't give me any money for it. Fast forward a couple of years, and my cousin has now found himself an electric guitar. We were living on opposite ends of the city, so didn't see each other that often; but the first time I was over he treated me to a screaming heavy-metal version of the "Hockey Night In Canada" theme. That was impressive enough; but he also seemed to have mastered every guitar lick that AC/DC and Rush had ever recorded, and a few that they probably had rejected as "too difficult." A few years later, one day I asked my cousin what had become of the guitar. "That old thing? I got into an argument with (his younger brother) Marty and smashed it over his head." This was recorded, as best as I can place, around the beginning of 1980 (these early tapes are somewhat mixed up chronologically). I know it rekindled my interest in songwriting, because there was suddenly someone in the picture with far more musical chops than me. This song was largely improvised (ya think?) and got its title from the fact that I was, indeed, singing into a silver bowl. (Actually, a large -- about two feet in diameter -- aluminum salad bowl). I figured it'd add some resonance to my vocal (it didn't) and more importantly, it disguised the fact that I was -- so to speak -- singing in public, which kind of weirded me out at the time. Oh, that strange young fellow at the beginning, shouting lame jokes, incomprehensible ravings and manical laughter? That would be Marty, trying to do my job before I could wrest the mike away. So you can see why he was getting occasionally clonked in the head with guitars. You never ever steal the frontman's spotlight (even if he's hiding behind a salad bowl at the time).

A=Knit, B=Purl, X=Loop, Y=Plasma Cannon

2010-03-18T03:24:34Z

Dirty Oil

2010-03-17T03:25:12Z

The U.K. might be in terminal decline; but she still produces journalists that put the majority of ours to shame. The iconoclastic webzine spiked takes a realistic look at Alberta's oil sands and the stupid, stupid "documentary" it recently spawned:

While Dirty Oil suggests that we shift to renewable energy sources, it also provides a childish view of the relationship between big business and the rest of society. This is ‘big people picking on little people and assuming that they can get away with it’, says a spokesperson for the green group the Natural Resources Defense Council. The film also suggests that it is somehow our individual greed which, by creating demand for this ‘dirty’ oil, is screwing up the planet. But there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be better off; the whole world should enjoy the living standards of the average American. Cheap, reliable energy is absolutely essential for that. Alberta’s oil boom is set to continue for many years to come.

Shooting Stars

2010-03-16T03:19:55Z

The Times of India:

In what sounds like a chilling script of a Hollywood science fiction, scientists have claimed that an invisible star, five times the size of Jupiter, might be lurking near our solar system, occasionally kicking deadly comets towards the Earth. According to scientists, the brown dwarf star is up to five times the size of Jupiter and could be responsible for mass extinctions that occur on Earth every 26 million years. They believe that the star nicknamed Nemesis or 'The Death Star" could be hidden beyond the edge of our solar system and only emits infrared light. It is believed to orbit our solar system at 25,000 times the distance of the Earth to the Sun, the scientists said.

A "chilling script of a Hollywood science fiction,"` eh? Clearly a job only Hollywood stars are capable of handling -- paging Sean Penn! Yoo-hoo, George Clooney! Pick up the white phone, Susan Sarandon! Your rocket blasts off tomorrow at 6:00 a.m. We`ll radio with instructions once the screenwriters figure out what you should do. Bon voyage! `

Haunted House

2010-03-15T03:26:03Z

I was really quite pleased with the turn of phrase I came up with for the end of the first verse. It goes:

A ratty bag of ideas
Bounces behind his eyes
But then the rats do
Chew the fabric through

It's got yer internal rhyme, it's got yer assonance -- we are in heavyweight lyric-writing form here, folks. Unfortunately, these fine poetic subtleties didn't survive contact with my mouth, which rendered -- nay, interpreted the passage into something like "Wharrgarbl." It sounds at some points like I'm trying to fight through a cold, but I suspect that rather it was more the way I was recording vocals while playing guitar. Because I had no proper mike stands I had to jerry-rig substitutes which rarely came to the correct height; I usually had to crouch down over my guitar to sing, not exactly the best way to maintain breath control.

A Rough Draft of The Internet’s Nobel Peace Prize Acceptance Speech

2010-03-13T03:31:13Z

FunnyCrave:

Your Majesties, Your Royal Highnesses, Distinguished Members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, citizens of the world, cat enthusiasts, fat people who look funny doing stuff because you’re fat, hot chicks who dance in their underwear and post video of it to YouTube, racists, conspiracy theorists and all other citizens of the internet: I know you can’t see me, but I am here. I am here, and I accept this award with the deepest of gratitude, the utmost humility, and maximum pwnage. Selecting me, The Internet, as a recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize is proof positive that with the help of man, machines can break through the firewall of oppression and negativity to become something more than just a portal for free pornography. Speaking of that, please accept this photo of Megan Fox’s head on someone else’s nude body as a symbol of my gratitude.

I missed it, but Robert Brockway from Cracked had a similar take on it a couple of weeks ago. Warning: Language in both pieces.

I Hear Banjos

2010-03-11T03:25:17Z

He's A Cossack In The Sack, Too

2010-03-09T03:25:28Z

I don't know why I didn't think of it before, but one of those "Rate My Teacher" sites must have something on Michael Ignatieff. And what do you know? He also attracted comments such as:

His friends call him iggie, I call him Provis hater. He spent three lectures on her. Breaking down her argument for Mexican migration to the Canadian North. I heard he had a think against Ukrainians, I think he has a think out against Provanians. His class was suppose to be about Human Rights, not Provis. Who on a side note, I want to marry.

What that's all about is something of a mystery. I googled "Provis" and "Mexican migration" and turned up nothing of interest. But what's this?

Very sexy. Lets TAs do all the grading. Extremely popular with mid-careers, so classes always oversubscribed. Doesn't particularly care about his students unless they are former political prisoners or attractive coeds

So, a typically grubby horndog. Nothing out of the ordinary there, eh? But think of the possible headlines: "Ignatieff A Flaming Heterosexual -- Has No Plans To Quit; Says He Was 'Born' That Way" This is not going to play well in certain districts. Let the whispers begin!

Bored

2010-03-08T03:25:37Z

Too-low vocals on most of this, which some might consider a plus. I was primarily concerned with the sound of the guitars, which were clipping the red zone of the VU meters throughout. Later on, we re-recorded this with legible vocals and whatever musical skills we could muster. It's not bad, if not the best thing we've done.

Hallelujah! He's Cured!

2010-03-04T03:25:44Z

The Telegraph:

The Sunday Telegraph revealed last September that the Libyan government had paid for the medical evidence which helped Megrahi, 57, to be released. The Libyans had encouraged doctors to say he had only three months to live. The life expectancy of Megrahi was crucial because, under Scottish rules, prisoners can be freed on compassionate grounds only if they are considered to have this amount of time, or less, to live. Kenny MacAskill, the Scottish Justice Secretary, ruled last August that Megrahi should be freed. Megrahi's release came after Libyan leaders warned that lucrative oil and trade deals with Britain would be cancelled if the bomber died in jail

Gee. Color me surprised.

Céleste Boursier-Mougenot

2010-03-03T03:25:35Z

An installation for the Barbican in London, England. A description:

French artist Céleste Boursier-Mougenot creates works by drawing on the rhythms of daily life to produce sound in unexpected ways. Boursier-Mougenot’s installation for The Curve, his first solo exhibition in the UK, takes the form of a walk-though aviary for a flock of zebra finches, furnished with electric guitars and other musical instruments. As the birds go about their routine activities, perching on or feeding from the various pieces of equipment, they create a random and captivating soundscape.

Well, whatever. I was taken by the little guy with a twig, doing his best Jimmy Page impression.

Olympics Shocka: Vonn Out/Obama In!

2010-03-02T03:28:23Z

The International Olympic Committee announced Monday that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to U.S. President Barack Obama.

More.

I'm Getting Tired

2010-03-01T03:30:46Z

So I now had a new instrument to throw into the mix, and this was my first try at writing a song with it. It didn't turn out too badly, and I was pleased with the overall sound, though a bit noisy. The song's a metaphor for struggle -- I wasn't really marching around the basement at the time, though that might have explained my clumsy lead guitar work.

U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion

2010-02-26T03:30:46Z

"Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will of course act appropriately if we . . . if we . . . " said [Federal Reserve chairman Ben] Bernanke, who then paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook his head in utter disbelief. "You know what? It doesn't matter. None of this-this so-called 'money'-really matters at all." "It's just an illusion," a wide-eyed Bernanke added as he removed bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. "Just look at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless." According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat in thunderstruck silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) finally shouted out, "Oh my God, he's right. It's all a mirage. All of it-the money, our whole economy-it's all a lie!"

Mississippi Extinguished

2010-02-24T03:30:02Z

metronews.ca halifax:

Shayne Howe returned home from a friend’s 40th birthday party just after midnight Sunday. Ten minutes later, he said there was a two-metre burning cross on his front lawn, and a group of males outside shouting racial slurs at him. "They waited for me to come home," said Howe, who has lived in Newport, just outside Windsor, for the past six years. "It’s like they knew I left to go out." The 31-year-old Howe, who is black, said by the time he went outside to investigate, there was nobody in the yard. "All I saw was flames, there was nothing else around," he explained. "There was no vehicles, no sound, nothing."

Egads! Only a dedicated, well-funded gang of racists -- I'm thinking the Canadian Human Rights Commission -- would have the command of ninja skills to carry out something like this and then simply disappear. And where is Richard Warman these days, anyway? Or maybe they made their escape because there was nobody there to begin with. Sorry, I've got to call shenanigans on this one. These things are almost invariably hoaxes. The credulous MSM is quick to leap on them because it suits their ridiculous fantasy of a society pulsing with hidden racism (and with themselves as Horatio at the Bridge heroically fending off the Tuscan swine). Google "fake hate crimes" and you'll turn up a long list of examples, such as this partial list from 2006-2007. I haven't made a comprehensive study of the phenomenon, but I wrote about a couple of examples, here and here. People have been caught on security cameras punching themselves in the face to later claim a "racist" attack. I was disappointed that both Dave Rutherford and Charles Adler fell for this scam -- Rutherford had some race pimp on, demanding "education" (and money for himself, no doubt) as a remedy. Adler had the man and his wife on -- they were unconvincing, to say the least.