Entries from the blog quebecois tagged with 'humor'
5 Shockingly Advanced Ancient Buildings That Shouldn't Exist
Cracked: On the island of Malta is a prehistoric underground megalithic structure known awesomely as the Hypogeum of Hal-Saflieni, which sounds like the title of Terry Gilliam's next movie. It was discovered by accident in 1902 when some workers were...
Hey, Pretty Young Women Are People, Too!
DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Having secured pole position at the 55th Annual Daytona 500 this Sunday, stock car racer Danica Patrick reportedly has drawn universal praise for smashing social barriers on behalf of stunningly beautiful women everywhere. “In reaching this latest...
The 5 Most Secretly Badass Countries
We're Number 4! We're Number 4! Cracked: Joint Task Force 2 started out in the 1990s as sort of bodyguards for Canadian politicians and diplomats. By 2001, they had the chops to participate in the war in Afghanistan -- secretly....
Laws Concerning Food and Drink; Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father
The Atlantic: Laws Pertaining to Dessert For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of the unclean plate, the laws...
Probably Satire, Though The Part "Six hours later . . ." Certainly Seems Plausible
The Daily Mash: UNSIGHTLY wind turbines have attacked a school near Swindon, leaving a trail of dismembered corpses in their wake. The so-called renewable energy devices went on the rampage after they were struck by lightning during an electrical storm,...
Trust Hollywood To Only Show The Glamorous Aspects Of War
LOS ANGELES—According to reviews this week of Kathryn Bigelow’s thriller Zero Dark Thirty, which chronicles the 10-year hunt for Osama bin Laden, the film’s climactic scene features a team of U.S. Navy SEALs shrieking in terror as they gradually...
Peace Activist Has To Admit Barrett .50 Caliber Sniper Rifle Is Pretty Cool
The Onion: BURLINGTON, VT—Despite his staunch opposition to the National Rifle Association and U.S. military operations in Afghanistan, peace activist Paul Robinson conceded Monday that the Barrett .50 caliber sniper rifle is "pretty damn cool." "Look, I realize that the...
I Hope The Guy Who Got Knocked Out By The American Thighs In That Song Is Okay
The Onion: I just heard a song on the radio that, quite frankly, left me feeling very concerned. While I understand that the gentleman singing the song was having—or sounded as though he was having—an enjoyable time, I can’t help...
What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers - but imagine if they did. . . Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help...
Joek
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied,...
Hopeful Bumper Sticker Solves Mideast Peace
The Daily Beet: Spontaneous celebrations erupted around the world yesterday when news broke that a single bumper sticker slogan had caused all violence in the Middle East to come to an immediate halt. The result was the first period of...
Bill Maher Defends Eastwood: He 'Killed'
From our blind squirrel finding an ACORN department: Though he doesn't agree with the man's politics, Maher looks at what Eastwood did strictly from the standpoint of performance and has to admire what he saw: On his HBO show on...
Joeks
Metafilter: The award for the best jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe has been given to Canadian comic Stewart Francis for this joke: "You know who really gives kids a bad name?.. .. Posh and Becks. (This might need some...
Woman Brutally Murders Husband With One-Sided, 39-Year Conversation
The Smew: Paramedics immediately declared the 72-year-old Mr. Mason dead at the scene. Veteran ambulance driver Arthur Bailey said he hadn’t witnessed such stomach-turning ruthlessness committed against another human being in all his 25 years on the job. “I could...
Joek
It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather "princess-like" young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom. Her name was Judy and she was the only girl...
If Hemingway Wrote JavaScript
or Shakespeare, for that matter. Angus Croll: function theSeriesOfFIBONACCI(theSize) { //a CALCKULATION in two acts. //employ'ng the humourous logick of JAVA-SCRIPTE //Dramatis Personae var theResult; //an ARRAY to contain THE NUMBERS var theCounter; //a NUMBER, serv'nt to the FOR LOOP...
Revenge Vomiting Completely Backfires For Local Cat
The Smew: EDMONTON, AB—Attempts to alert his owner, Lenora Claret, to his general disgust over his treatment via carefully-planned vomiting seem to have completely backfired on Marco the cat today. "The plan should have come off flawlessly," Marco told...
Audience Unable to Suspend Disbelief at Community Production of ‘South Pacific’
LETHBRIDGE, AL—During a performance of the 1949 Rogers and Hammerstein classic, ‘South Pacific,’ at the Belmont Community Center last Saturday, audience members reported that they were utterly unable to suspend their disbelief and transport themselves to a tropical island during...
And You Can Just Forget About His Fastball
Randall Munroe, writer of the xkcd comic strip is, I believe, a physicist; and thus able to authoritatively answer the question that has bedeviled us all since our schoolyard days: What would happen if you tried to hit a baseball...
Somebody Alert Suzuki!
These threats to our environment, our health and our mental wellbeing are real and with us, but not nearly as immediately catastrophic or totally destructive as the disaster which imminently faces this nation and menace of monstrous proportions can be...
Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns
A piece from The Onion -- I've explained this before, but here it goes again. I've taken the liberty of reprinting the entire piece, rather than just a couple of paragraphs with a link to the original. This is in...
The 5 Biggest Pussifications Of Schools
Well played, Edmonton! Remember: it matters not what they're saying, just as long as they're talking about you. Cracked: A teacher in Edmonton, Alberta, was recently suspended for the egregious crime of refusing to pass students who had failed. He...
Rebellious Cloud Doesn’t Look Like Anything Except Cloud
REGINA, SK—A cumulus brume hanging against a backdrop of pure azure disappointed several residents in the North Central neighbourhood this afternoon. According to reports, the cloud, which crossed the sky around 3 P.M., had the audacity to look exactly...
Cool Basketball Fan Calls Sport 'B-Ball'
Wait 'til he finds out the players can also be called "cagers." HOBBS, NM—According to friends of the man, basketball fan Kip Conroy calls the sport "b-ball," even though that is not the sport’s official name. "Kip's always like, 'Want...
John Edwards Verdict Draws Mixed Reactions From O.J. Simpson, God
Borowitz Report: “Let me make this very clear,” a visibly angry God told reporters. “I have no plans for John Edwards, unless you count the one that involves plunging him into an eternal pool of fire.”...
New Parents Prove Individuality Via Trendy, Non-Traditional Name
“We really wanted our daughter to stand out from the crowd, and we figured the best way to give her a head-start would be by naming her something that wasn’t common in other generations, and which might not in...
Baserunner Caught In Rundown Bites Cyanide Capsule To Avoid Falling Into Enemy Hands
The Onion: SEATTLE—In order to avoid capture by the visiting Minnesota Twins Thursday, Mariners center fielder Franklin Gutierrez bit down on his team-issued cyanide capsule during a run down between second and third base. "When you're surrounded by defenders on...
Hoping For Knockout Punch, CIA Sends JP Morgan Execs To Infiltrate al-Qaeda
The Borowitz Report: The mission, which the intelligence agency had hoped to keep secret, came to light this week when al-Qaeda dismissed two of its top officials who it said were responsible for “unacceptably speculative” betting of the terror net’s...
Julia's Circle Of Life
Iowahawk's parody of Obama's wildly-misnamed composite girlfriend lucky subject, "The Life Of Julia."...
Joek
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna...
Anonymous Internet Commenter Courageously Stands Up To ‘Jews’; ‘Fagots’
Jeff, however, is comfortable bearing a divisive message. “When you stand up for what you believe in, a lot of people don’t like hearing what you have to say,” said Jeff. “Those people are ‘fagots’.” Asked if he feels if...
At Least They're Still Talking About Her
The Daily Mash: Madonna's new album MDNA combines sledgehammer-subtle drug references with poppy dance beats and bad rapping, which some parents believe is a deliberate reference to potentially damaging 90s act The Shamen. Emma Bradford, who has two pre-teen daughters....
Sound Technicians Resort To Hanging Donald Sutherland Upside Down In Empty Stairwell To Get Optimal Voice-Over Tone
BURBANK, CA—During a recording session earlier this week, technicians at ProSound Studios found they were able to obtain a perfectly lush, heady voice-over resonance by hanging actor Donald Sutherland upside down from the railing of an empty staircase. "We tried...
A Dialogue With Sarah, Aged 3: In Which It Is Shown That If Your Dad Is A Chemistry Professor, Asking “Why” Can Be Dangerous
SARAH: I don’t get it. DAD: That’s OK. Neither do most of my students....
This Sounds Like A Job For Bond -- James Bond
OTTAWA, ON-- Newly elected NDP leader Thomas Mulcair cackled in insane glee today as he watched Peggy Nash’s suspended body dangle perilously above a tank of Amazonian piranhas at his secret mansion in the south of France. “So Nash, you...
Joek
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing...
Godwin's Law * Strikes Again
“I really don’t think my tuna casserole is that bad. It’s better than my friend Debbie’s - her cooking is like abortions.”...
JFK Did Not Have Sex With Everyone: Report
“President Kennedy was in office for 1,036 days, and during that time there were about 18 million women in the U.S. between the ages of 18 and 24,” said the study’s co-author, Annette Ballerstrom, a professor of physics at the...
In Which I Fix My Girlfriend’s Grandparents’ WiFi And Am Hailed As A Conquering Hero
Lo, in the twilight days of the second year of the second decade of the third millennium did a great darkness descend over the wireless internet connectivity of the people of 276 Ferndale Street in the North-Central lands of Iowa....
Quite Reasonable Chaps, Those Taliban
AMERICANS can urinate on our dead bodies as much as they feel like, the Taliban said last night. The laid-back Afghan militia insisted footage of three US marines desecrating the corpses of Taliban fighters was 'no biggie'. A spokesman...
CBC’s 75th Anniversary Party Marred By Surprise Appearance Of Jian Ghomeshi
A Canadian humor site I've been meaning to link for a while, The Smew (no, I don't know what it means, either). TORONTO, ON—A private CBC event celebrating the broadcaster’s 75th anniversary was disrupted on Tuesday when an uninvited Jian...
The Cat Is Snickering
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Penn State Replaces Entire Student Body with Interim Student Body
The Borowitz Report: Responding to Wednesday night’s rioting in support of ousted football coach Joe Paterno, the board of trustees of Penn State University today took the extraordinary step of replacing the entire student body with an interim student...
How To Fix Any Computer
From The Oatmeal...
Must Be Why They Call It Pubic Transit
And why you get that occasional creepy feeling . . . but hey, it's science. A report from the U.S. Department of Transportation confirmed Thursday that at any one time, the average American city bus is occupied by at least...
Joek
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman...
Yes We Can! -- The Grand Plan Of Stan The Man
“The Stanley Cup is a pillar of the trophy community, working tirelessly for over 45-years to make a positive difference,” said event organizer Kenneth Hegland, who relayed an anecdote about how hockey’s most prestigious trophy only needed to spend...
I Had No Idea That This Was A Problem
so thank God we gave Stephen Harper a majority government to keep an eye on it....
This Is Your Captain
By the way, if any of you do survive the initial impact and resulting third-degree burns and are heading on to Charlotte, your connecting gate is A8—that's Gate A8—and that flight is on time for its scheduled departure. Warning: Language....
He's A Poet And Doesn't Even Know It
In trying to explain himself when bombing foreign lands, It behooves a modern president to keep his prose in hand. One little slip in lexicon accounting for the rubble Will end up in congressional investigative trouble. Ohhhhhh! Overseas-contingencies-kinetic-aliocious I must...
Technology Marches On
"At long last, we can give die-hard gamers the level of realism they've been looking for." Hood added that researchers are currently exploring technologies that would allow the shamans and clerics in World Of Warcraft to practice modern medicine...
If Ikea Made Instructions for Everything
More here....
Turkish Delight
Sometimes Turkish visual effects make you feel like you've solved a puzzle when you realize what they were trying to do. I mean, some of these planets still have glitter snowflakes on them. And those are the ones that...
Ye Olde Joek
Reddit: From a fabliaux by Jean de Condé, paraphrased from Barbara Tuchman's A Distant Mirror. Queen: Sir, have you fathered any children? Knight: No my lady, I have not. Queen: Indeed, you do not have the look of a man...
That Tramp -- I Knew It!
A new study released Monday by sociologists at Indiana University found that women will always answer their telephones unless mind-blowing sex with a man other than the caller prevents them from doing so. The findings were consistent across all demographic...
What Caused Me To Have Second Thoughts
P.J. O'Rourke: I think Obama is losing a lot of people in the US because he’s got a know it all, lecturing sort of attitude. He’s a capable public speaker but he talks down to his audience constantly, and that’s...
New Evidence Suggests God Also Had Incredibly Busty Daughter
ARABAH VALLEY, ISRAEL: In a discovery that biblical scholars say could alter our most fundamental understanding of Christianity, recently unearthed manuscripts suggest that in addition to His Son, Jesus Christ, God also had a daughter with absolutely humongous breasts. Scholars...
It's The Only Humane Thing To Do
Many Hollywood locals have called the move long overdue. "The way things have been, even an A-lister can wait 45 minutes for a table," said Tracey Spillane, manager of Spago Beverly Hills. "And from the table chatter we overhear, there...
Unpublished Twain Autobiography Rails Against YouTube, BP, War In Afghanistan
BERKELEY, CA-Editors of the long-awaited autobiography of Mark Twain said Tuesday they were surprised to discover the unedited manuscript of the forthcoming book contains lashing, in-depth criticism of the website YouTube, the recent BP oil spill, and the ongoing military...
Packing Tips
The Onion:...
Vuvuzela Hero: Legend Of Africa
Warning: There's an ad that occasionally pops up -- nothing pornographic, but sometimes with sound -- when this page loads. So if that's a problem, turn down your speakers now. This meme seems to have struck in several places simultaneously....
The Ball's In Her Court
We've all been there, brother. We've all been there. Look, I could be a total loser and stay up all night waiting for her to get back to me, and I almost certainly will do that. But, why bother? If...
Hacktion Movies
Full size here....
U.S. Government: We Have Not Forgotten About Osaka Binn Rogen
"We have only one thing to say to this heinous individual," Gates added. "We will find you, Osaka Binn Rogen." Based upon field surveillance and intelligence, officials recently widened the search for Orlama Win Roben by dispatching CIA paramilitary officers...
Joek
A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development. She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The...
A Rough Draft of The Internet’s Nobel Peace Prize Acceptance Speech
FunnyCrave: Your Majesties, Your Royal Highnesses, Distinguished Members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, citizens of the world, cat enthusiasts, fat people who look funny doing stuff because you’re fat, hot chicks who dance in their underwear and post video of...
Olympics Shocka: Vonn Out/Obama In!
The International Olympic Committee announced Monday that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to U.S. President Barack Obama. More....
U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
"Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will of course act appropriately if we . . . if we . . . " said [Federal Reserve chairman Ben] Bernanke, who then paused for a moment, looked...
Obama's Eleven
What a tragedy. Iowahawk is in a terrible rut, monotonously hitting yet another one out of the park. God help us all if he ever discovers steroids. Spend me to the moon, and let me play around with TARP, Give...
Bunch Of Phonies Mourn J.D. Salinger
CORNISH, NH - In this big dramatic production that didn't do anyone any good (and was pretty embarrassing, really, if you think about it), thousands upon thousands of phonies across the country mourned the death of author J.D. Salinger, who...
Do They Know It's Christmastime At All?
"Is that it? Is that all there is?"...
Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner
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Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks
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A Voice For The Ages
Oh hell, I'll bite. Via The Presurfer...
Privileged Little Artiste Writing Something Oh-So-Precious Into His Moleskine Notebook
After gently unfastening the elastic strap keeping his dearest musings safe from prying eyes, little literary artiste Evan Stansky penned a few more darling thoughts into his clothbound Moleskine notebook Wednesday. More....
Genetics 101
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7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital
Cracked: For those of you who never had older brothers, this technique, when applied to the forearm, is called an Indian Rugburn. We're not sure if the politically correct version would be an Indigenous American Rugburn or a Southeast Asian...
Obama's 'Right To Choose'
"The Republican reaction was even more sternly worded. "Seniors!" House minority leader John Boehner (R-OH) said. "Run for your lives! Obama is coming to kill you! He will kill all of you!"...
Joek
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son...
U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan
U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan...
Joek
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Texans are waiting. "Entschuldigen Sie mich, Sie zu tun sprechen Deutsches?" he asks. The two Texans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi pour vous faire parlent français?"...
A Cruel, Cruel Man
"Honestly, if my husband ever did that to me, I'm not sure what I'd do," Schrump added. "Probably shit in his bed." The shocking story....
A Cheap And Obvious Joke
So why didn't I think of it? The Helen Keller Simulator....
Bees In The News
The Onion: Users of the front door at 1418 Sycamore Avenue report the appearance of a common bumblebee ricocheting back and forth between the front and screen doors in a manner described as "pissed." According to witnesses, no one has...
Sotomayor: Wise Latina Would Not Have Picked Me
Scrappleface: Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor said today that “if President Obama were a wise Latina woman, with the richness of her experiences, he would have picked a less controversial court nominee.” Judge Sotomayor said she doesn’t blame the president...
10 Great Books For (Traumatizing) Children
Cracked: If you’re not already convinced this book was a terrible idea, try reciting the title at a cocktail party and see if you don’t get beat down. And while the book’s answer to the question is actually “we should...
Google: The Early Years
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Not Buying This Resurrection Stuff, Either
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Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face
Warning: Sound, and people getting shot in the face. Duh....
Meta Piechart
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Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish
The Onion: AOMORI, JAPAN At first glance, 17-year-old Misaki Nakajima seems like any other shy and submissive Japanese schoolgirl. She loves shopping, text messaging, and the color pink. But beneath her wholesome exterior lies a wicked secret: Misaki Nakajima is...
Sony Is A Four Letter Word
If the title on the video isn't adequate warning, then let me elaborate: NSFW! NSFW! NSFW! No way, nowhere, no how. Glad I could clear that up for you....
Coincidence? Or . . . Pyrokinesis?
Or just one for the family photo album? Pictures from the (now-defunct?) JPG magazine, so no guarantees on how long the comment threads are gonna last. (Second picture is at the bottom of this one.)...
5 Things Hollywood Thinks Computers Can Do
Cracked: In Real Life The hackers would first go right for her MySpace, filling it with tons of gay porn. Then, upon figuring out that her online banking password was "PASSWORD" they would "steal her identity" in the sense that...
There's Always One
son-of-a-goat who doesn't get the memo....
Why You Can't Travel Back In Time And Kill Hitler
Because there's no such thing as a time machine, duh. Not that that stops some people from trying: One of the bylaws of the International Association of Time Travelers states that you can’t kill Hitler. The problem is, everybody kills...
Ninja Pets
They are simultanously nowhere and . . . everywhere. Animated .GIF via b3ta...
The 7 Most Retarded Ways Celebrities Have Tried to Go Green
Yeah, yeah, I know that the R-word is politically inflammatory; on the other hand, just try to come up with a more-fitting adjective for Coldplay's Chris Martin (right) in action. Link....
Nowhere Man
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Understatement Of The Week
Roseanne, I don’t think you’re very bright at all. Dan O'Brien puts on the hip boots and wades manfully into the wreck otherwise known as "Roseanne [sic] World" to review the blog therein. Somebody had to do it, I...
Pixifood
Pixifood (PIKZ-ee-food), noun: Any food substance that is highly pleasant to the taste as a child and tastes shockingly unpleasant once you become an adult. Joe Posnanski: OK, beyond the obvious vegetables question, I have another one: What do they...
Reality Bites
Penthouse's fabled fact-checkers take a long-overdue look at the readers' fantasy section, the Forum: In the letter "Rent Payments," the letter writer described his landlady as having "the flawlessly tanned and toned body of a much younger woman" and "full,...
A Rose By Any Other Name
A few years ago I mused how unlikely it was that a well-known Islamic terrorist group would take its name from a pig's hindquarters. It now seems that Hamas has caught up with my logic, and is taking a serious...
You Oughta Be In Pictures
I`ve featured at least one of these guys before, but it`s nice to see that someone`s put together a hall of fame....
10 Items You Think Make You Look Cool, But Don't
Holy Taco: WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: Dude, this game totally rocks! I love this song! Hell yes! Welcome to the Jungle, baby! You’re gonna diiiiiiiiiiiee! WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: Despite what the commercial says, you do not suddenly turn...
Joek
A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I wanna join this damn church." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"...
Fairness, Idealism And Other Atrocities
P.J. O'Rourke: Well, here you are at your college graduation. And I know what you're thinking: "Gimme the sheepskin and get me outta here!" But not so fast. First you have to listen to a commencement speech. Don't moan. I'm...
Meditations Upon Pac-Man
10:06:18 AM Fletch: do we assume Pac's GI tract is reg'lar? Getting enuf dietery fiber? 10:06:22 AM Owen: this is for mature, healthy, nonsmoking male pac-adult 10:06:30 AM Fletch: that's the only way the word 'mature' ever gets into this...
The 30 Most Ill-Conceived Movie Monsters
A Photoshop contest from Cracked featuring unfortunate choices for movie baduns. Warning: Language and some images NSFW....
Snapshots of Impending Doom
GorillaSushi does valuable interpretive (i.e., fabricates from whole cloth) work analyzing the thoughts of the spectators in this photo. Also: It isn't always just ballplayers flying into the stands. Warning: Language at both links....
The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys
We're not saying we know everything there is to know about sex, though we have spent a lot of time, uh, reading about it. But in none of our experience have we happened upon a case when bagging someone...
There Is A Certain . . .
How do you say it . . . tension between the anchorman (a dead ringer for The Simpsons' Kent Brockman) and the reporter in this clip from a New York FOX affiliate. It is subtle, but alert viewers may be...
Truth In Banner Ads
Cracked recently ran a Photoshop contest, soliciting honest banner ads from readers. Warning: Language, and some nudity (you have to click through to see it, though). Also check out their new theme, Inappropriate Children's Books. (Some content NSFW.)...
The 10 Most Terrifyingly Inspirational 80s Songs
Cracked: This song was written in that small window of the '80s when a blue collar steelworker from New Jersey with a terminal case of hockey hair could write songs about being a cowboy and be taken seriously. It was...
Weird Science
Photographs allegedly from school science projects. I say "allegedly" because some of them are so dumb (the project at left is titled "Crystal Meth -- Friend or Foe?") that I have difficulty believing that any teacher or advisor would give...
Small Live Animal
Kate had this up on her site a few days ago, a so-called "screen cleaner.". Now it doesn't appear anywhere on the front page, though if you go to the original address, it still turns up. What is it that...
Riddle Me This
Ananova: An eight-year-old boy had to be freed by firefighters after getting stuck in a pair of handcuffs he found in his mum's bedroom. Firefighters took the schoolboy to Copnor Fire Station in Portsmouth, Hampshire, to be freed with industrial...
The Woman: it is also Person!
3 Quarks Daily The Democrats have now only two candidates who stand to chance against this powerful phalanx: Barack Obama, senator of City Chicago and nephew of Saddam Hussein; and Hillary Rodham Clinton, organizer of popular solidarity-building women's breakfasts for...
Joek
On a recent visit to Cuba, Vladimir Putin found that most Cubans' shoes have holes in them, and so he asked Fidel, "Oye chico, how is this possible after 40 years of 'progress'?" Annoyed, Fidel answers, "And what about Russia?...
Poo Christmas
Yes, that's a gun that fires teddy bears. Although crime is rare in Japan, when it happens, it is absolutely hilarious. If you're running short on Christmas present ideas, Cracked looks at the 25 Most Baffling Toys From Around The...
Like Snowflakes -- No Two Alike
Chicago Tribune: "It's kind of like Grandma's recipe," he observed. "A pinch of this, two shakes of that. You kind of know when it's right." Update: Crap. The paper has moved the story into a firewalled archive, so I registered...
Joek
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas in order to get into heaven." The...
Born To Be Wild
sheboyganpress.com: The case against a Sheboygan man accused of abducting a 17-year-old Oshkosh girl was dismissed this week after the teen admitted she lied about her two-week disappearance. Angelina Lor initially claimed that You'll have to read the rest of...
Medical Misadventures
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one? " I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on...
Na-Na-Na-Nano
What? What? I just see a cute iPod. You see other things, that's your problem, homo. A Rorschach moment from the lads at b3ta...
Super Tuber
I ran across this at Dave Barry's blog back in October, filed it away, and promptly forgot about it. It concerns one Senator Larry Craig, who was much in the news at the time. (In case you've forgotten why, here's...
Frumpton * Comes Alive!
I'm thinking that this could be an invaluable resource in the year ahead: zombietime's Gallery of Unflattering Hillary Clinton photos. *...
Push-Up Preston
Hawkin's Bazaar: A curious clockwork, muscle bound beach hunk. Arms pump and head turns with a realistic push-up action. A suitable joke for girls that like guys to be in shape! 12cm Features Beach hunk, 12cm Does press ups In...
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
and other rejected titles for kids' books: 7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 9. All Cats Go to Hell 10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched 11. Some Kittens Can...
Internet And CNN Bon Vivant Brian Sack . . .
. . . gets in touch with his inner Cookie Monster: SUPREME COURT OF THE STATE OF NEW YORK COUNTY OF NEW YORK ----------------------------------------X BRIAN SACK AKA DAD PLAINTIFF VS. SESAME PLACE DEFENDANT ----------------------------------------X Plaintiff, complaining as he does about...
Give It To Mikey, He'll Eat ANYthing
This cheese is a delicacy in Sardinia, where it is illegal. That's right. It is illegal in the only place where people actually want to eat it. If this does not communicate a very clear message, perhaps the larvae...
Joek
A guy walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi just as it's passing by. He hops into the taxi, and the cabby says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabby: "Frank. Frank Feldman. He's...
Caesarians Next Door
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Sexual Geography
The Geography of a Woman: Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia: Half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas. Between the ages of 21 - 30 a...
So I Sing A Song Of Love . . .
Wired: Jhannet Sejas, 19, pleaded guilty last week in Arlington County General District Court to one misdemeanor count of filming a motion picture in a movie house owned by Regal Cinemas. The statute, like the 37 others nationwide sponsored by...
The Perils Of Idiom
It loses something in the translation: My bone of contention is that people will stand on the street outside pubs, shops and restaurants and everyone is fagging out in the road....
A Man Of His Word
The Smoking Gun: Meet Carlton Davis. The Minnesota man, 26, is facing felony charges for allegedly stealing a cell phone and purse from a woman he mugged on a St. Paul street early Saturday morning. According to police, after the...
Possible Breakthrough In Iraq?
Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty: "At this point -- with 95 percent of the American public hopelessly lost in his video address -- bin Laden the anticapitalist unveils the only solution that could possibly alienate the remaining 5 percent: religion. Your...
Ghastronomy
I was home from school sick one day, and was getting hungry, so I started some ramen. I had a headache at the time, and came up with the bright idea of advil ramen. I figured, "I like ramen, and...
So, They Found Him In A 'Pool of Bud'?
Ok, ok, but I had no choice. That (pun? joke?) has been ricocheting around in my head the last couple of weeks, with me thinking that I'd never have a chance to use it. Then this. Call it kismet,...
Joek
An old southern Baptist country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and...
Truth In Advertising
I thought this was a photoshop, but I wasn't sure until I spotted the Worth1000 watermark. I went to the site but couldn't find the specific competition....
Terrible Techie Tales
I hate running across these things, because I find them hilarious. I'll vow to only read one or two, and then it's back to more productive work. Fat chance: I asked him if it had been exposed to water, and...
Signs You Might Be Trapped In A Romantic Sex Comedy
If Hugh Grant arrives, do not attempt to compete with him -- you are no match for his British accent and awkward, fumbling charm. Should Tom Green appear, leave the area immediately. You want no part in anything that follows...
Pooch In A Pouch
I saw this at Gizmodo and couldn't stop laughing. Words otherwise fail me, so I'll just point you to the original article and its commenters. Warning: Some crude language; also, one of the banner ads recently generated controversy when it...
If It's On The Internet, It Must Be True
Sensing a market opportunity, Net Nanny, makers of Net Nanny filtering software, announced this week it will introduce NetNarrow, an English-only product that automatically filters out content that appears to be international. Specifically, the software looks for world datelines and...
Simpson Family Values
Vanity Fair: "The Simpsons is the bane of our existence," says Matt Stone, co-creator of South Park with Trey Parker. "They have done so many parodies, tackled so many subjects. 'Simpsons did it!' is a very familiar refrain in our...
Mama Always Liked Him The Best
Via Diffusio...
Mmmmmm, 'Rain Magic'
PAGANS have pledged to perform "rain magic" to wash away cartoon character Homer Simpson who was painted next to their famous fertility symbol - the Cerne Abbas giant. The 17th century chalk outline of the naked, sexually aroused, club-wielding giant...
Coco-butt
Trinidad & Tobago Express [emphasis mine]: SURGERY was performed on Sunday to remove a coconut from the body of a man who was sodomised with the fruit during an attack by a gang of men. Ste Madeleine police are now...
Our Employees Thank You
from the depths of their long-suffering ears. Via grow-a-brain...
Airtoons
As a public service, I present these air safety tips. Now you don't have to feel guilty about ignoring the stupid pantomime show that the stewardesses flight attendants put on before takeoff. Like it's going to save your life...
The Ratings Always Drop Twice
They say dames are like flowers. Maybe they’re right. Nice to look at, fun to smell, covered in complicated reproductive do-dads. But brother, get too close and you’ll also find out that they have thorns. And bees. And enough pollen...
Steve, Don't Eat It!
To put it simply, this is the devil's bacon. Even a healthy dose of bread, mayo, lettuce and tomato couldn't come close to masking the evil. The bitter nastiness literally got worse with every chew, and I was overcome by...
Technically Correct
but he didn't show his work, so no points, I guess. More exam smart-assitude here....
I've Got No Dog
in this fight: Anti-Syrian Lebanese minister Ahmad Fatfat said Friday he sued a television news anchor after she made unwitting remarks on air that he could be the next politician to be killed. While covering the bomb blast that killed...
House Fire Caught On Google Earth!
Actually, it was faked by the satirical website The Onion. But given the breadth of coverage by Google Earth, it would be statistically improbable that it wouldn't find something, somewhere, on fire. Next time I hear that satellite going...
Nietzsche Family Circus
This is probably one of those ideas that was funnier in the conception than in the flesh; it's still worth a few giggles anyway. It takes a random quote from Friedrich Nietzche and marries it with a random Family Circus...
I Am Sure
that there's a perfectly innocent and reasonable explanation for this: What it might be entirely escapes me, though. Other puzzling moments in comic book art here....
Out Of The Mouths Of Babes
Humor by Simon Rich in The New Yorker, about how children perceive the adult world: Mr. President! Did you hear about Woodstock? Woo -- Woodstock? What in God’s name is that? Apparently, young people hate the war so much they’re...
Swedish Homo
Hey, don't take my word for it. Via grow-a-brain...
Crude (And We Do Mean Crude) Sex Pictures
The crowd at Something Awful uncork their mad MS Paint skillz on the Kama Sutra (or some approximation thereof). Warning: Mostly tame (and some are nearly-impossible to decipher), but NSFW. Also, if you find yourself being, um, aroused by any...
Psst, iRan? Have I Got A Deal For You
I recently got an iPod, which meant that I had to iInstall iTunes so that I could load my iMusic (iPromise, I'll iStop doing this iSoon) onto it, or at least that subset of same which iTunes deems acceptable. Apart...
Some Of Those Fishnet Stockings Would Be A Big Help, Too
Reuters: Police found more than 4,000 pieces of lingerie in the home of a Japanese construction worker who used climbing skills developed on his job to steal women's underwear. Huh! I wish I knew how he did that. Every time...
The Button-Down Mind Of Brit Hume *
One of the few TV shows that I make an effort to catch is FOX News Sunday. If I'm busy I'll record it and watch it later. The interviews are first-rate but what really makes it great is its roundtable...
Pray For Global Warming
lest we be overrun with fearsome creatures like this. It's actually an ice sculpture. Really. (Full page view here.) The source had no information as to where or when it was constructed, but this New York Times article (reg. required)...
Every Picture Tells A Story
A guide to interpreting photos on social-networking site Friendster. I would think that it's also applicable to MySpace, Facebook, etc. Some truths are universal....
Journalism 101
Usually the trickiest part of writing a good news story is its opening sentence, which should contain as much information as possible while engaging the reader's attention: The most important structural element of a story is the lede -- namely...
The Top Ten Phrases
Michael Ignatieff considered before settling on 'just a sideshow' to describe the relatives of Canadian 9/11 victims: 1. fame addicts 2. a freak show 3. Islamophobes 4. pity whores 5. Canadian Idol wanna-bees 6. a travelling carnival of grief 7....
Joek
Via normblog: Woman in a supermarket searches out the manager. Woman: I can't find the broccoli. Manager: Madam, I'm afraid we don't have any broccoli. W: Do you have any dried broccoli? M: No, sorry, no dried broccoli either. W:...
The Ol' Huck 'N' Buck
That's what it's called -- the football card pictures of a ballcarrier with one leg in the air, straight-arming an imaginary would-be tackler. At least that's what it's called on this site. I can't find any other reference to it...
There's Some Kind Of Prize With This, Right?
Fortunately I do not embarrass easily, so I have no problem pointing you to Solaris, where Steve lists his Canadian blogs of the year: gnotalex (or Pierre, which is his first name...) actually doesn't make political posts that often. but...
Why It Pays To Keep A German In Your Basement
Just in case your house is attacked by those annoying Turks: In 1476, after defeating the Moldavian armies in the Battle of Valea Albă, the Ottoman Empire Sultan Mehmet II forced the Moldavian voivode Ştefan cel Mare to retreat to...
Hannibal Assembler
This could be a tough one, because they share similar sadistic tendencies. Serial killer or operating language programmer? Warning: Sound effects....
Dimw It Like Beckham
There seems to be a minor cottage industry developing in David Beckham jokes. Here are a couple I've recently run across. Posh Spice and David Beckham are sitting in front of the TV watching the six o'clock news. The headline...
Homo Barbiemalibuensis
A man finds what he thinks are archeological treasures in his backyard and forwards them to the Smithsonian for analysis. To his discovery of a "hominid skull" the Smithsonian responds: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are...
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